Posts Tagged ‘gratitude’

The almost-fight you got pulled into on the street
The olives and hot peppers and garlic on Archie’s pizza
The bar with the dog and all the words inside
The T-shirt and the snacks
The Saturday eggs and coffee
The cats outside the window
The chocolate factory surprise
The stores with the trinkets
The grocery investigations
The plant place and your new cacti
The pie making collaboration
The sushi and movie theater bar with your friends
The lazy Sunday
The Bowie art exhibit
The Sweetgreen stop
The chocolate pretzel milkshake
The return to lazy Sunday
The introduction to Ellen Ripley
The chef’s table awe and travel planning
The ride to the bus station
The Russian rapper Timati
The holding and kissing and grabbing and patting, the laughing, the alignment, the dancing:

I love all the things that you gave me.

(February 2018)


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I started lifting heavy weights; I began a real skincare routine; I planted a garden; I learned how to make candles and sourdough bread; I spoke real lines in a play; I bounced on an Olympic-style trampoline; I roasted my first artichokes and braised my first short ribs and baked my first sweet potato brownies; I gave the best man speech in my brother’s wedding; I traveled to St. Louis and Michigan and Maine and New Orleans and Philadelphia and the Outer Banks and Spain and Morocco; I took off my clothes in front of strangers at Spa World; I hiked all over Maryland and Virginia; I started being deliberate about saving money; And, if everything goes well, I might have a big, exciting announcement to share in the next few weeks.

Overall, not bad for my 30th year of life.

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I was sitting at my desk
editing a boring report, much like
I am doing now, when I
realized I couldn’t be
the woman to love you.

I would disrupt your
ordered plans for family and
Christian holiday celebrations.
You would make me
wish I could run away.

I still wonder
what my life would be
like if I let you keep
me, tiptoeing around you,
dreaming of oceans.

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All I want is to ramble to Kilgore Falls
alongside the Falling Branch of Deer Creek
and to stand in its icy plunge pool
and to feel the weight of the water on my head
even after I emerge and find my towel on the sunny bank
and to marvel


All I want is to hike down the Union Dam Trail
alongside the Patapsco River
and to stumble over its roots and rocky terrain
and to search for ripe wineberries to eat
while I sweat through my shirt and listen to the wrens overhead
and to marvel


All I want is to lie on Buzzard Rock
alongside its swimming hole
and to spread sunscreen on my legs
and to look through the clear water of Passage Creek
to the stony bottom and to watch the trout flit past
and to marvel


All I want is to stroll with wide eyes through the woods
alongside Little Gunpowder Falls
and to discover tiny mushrooms and tiny tendrils
and tiny footprints of a raccoon
that take me to the end of the trail
and to marvel


All I want is to sit on moss-covered rocks
alongside Mountain Run in the Shenandoah Mountains
and to smell the damp soil and to turn my face to the forest canopy
and to feel goosebumps climb my arms
when I lower my feet into the freezing pool
and to marvel

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Thanksgiving doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving
because I’m having the big meal tomorrow,
but I’m still thankful today for:
Living alone,
sleeping in,
being warm and well-fed
(breakfast sandwich, mocha),
sitting on the couch,
wearing Z’s warm flannel shirt,
peace and quiet.
Mostly, maybe, that this list could go on for days,
that I am able to love.

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Fischer comes over to help my mom pick tomatoes. He’s a little suspicious of me at first because we haven’t seen each other in a while, but he’s too talkative to glare at me forever.

He tells me that Ace’s barks mean that he wants to play. He and Ace get nose to nose and bark at each other. They race alongside the fence, and dog spit flies everywhere.

Later he leans on me while he plays Angry Birds on my phone. He asks to be tickled, and he laughs huge kid belly laughs. When it’s time for me to leave, he grabs my pinky in a 5-year-old death grip and giggles some more.

It is warm and sunny, and I now have tomatoes to use in my dinner. I have laughed all afternoon, and I am ready for tomorrow.

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