on losing 19 pounds

checking myself out in the mirror
every morning when i wake up
doesn’t suddenly make my boyfriend
want to marry me

the green pants that haven’t fit
in over a year
now hang on my hips
but that doesn’t make my job
any less soul-crushing

i want to shout
“be kind to your curves!”
but then i get online
and see that yogi twisted up
and balancing on her elbows

dutifully planning diet-compliant meals
on sunday afternoons
only makes me pinch and prod and pose
a few hundred more times than usual

There was only one toilet, and there were two of us. We tried to dance around it, and we tried to be strong. In the end, we had no chance: someone was going to have to shit in the tub.

I cried after my 6th bout of diarrhea, and he kept making jokes after he puked out everything in his stomach. Really good jokes with impeccable timing.

He sleeps on the twin bed pushed next to mine now, not even snoring a little. I eat a packaged croissant quietly and slowly. I have never loved him more.

thank you note

thank you for walking under the cherry blossoms with me
and talking to me as i cried afterward

the day before radka lisa day was a rough one
and a beautiful one

when i am able to walk down streets of english-style houses
and not worry about everything, i want to be walking with you

it doesn’t show up
in the timeline you expect
when it’s rainy outside
and leaves begin to change.
it hits you in the gut
when your boss blindsides
you with criticism.

i filled my calendar with dates and appointments
and then the next month cancelled all my plans
i wrote letters full of love and made phone calls
and then stopped replying to messages
i ran and danced and hiked and swam
and then slept and cried and slept some more

it doesn’t show up
on schedule
when you arrive home
to your dark apartment.
it hits you in the chin
the moment your lover
climbs in bed next to you.

What am I supposed to be thinking about when someone says “Never Forget?” 

The horrible images I saw from classroom televisions on a cool Tuesday in the fall?

The smoke and the bodies falling and the people covered in toxic debris and the number of missing and the stories of people rushing toward the buildings to help? 

Impossible to forget – and embarrassing that we’d need some hashtaggable phrase to help us out. 

When the combination of the numbers 9 and 11 appear anywhere, what do you remember? 

What we actually need help remembering:

We were told who our common enemy should be so we could make more sense of a tragedy, 

We’re still tied up in an unlawful invasion of Iraq,

We torture prisoners, 

We have veterans coming home and killing themselves every day,

We vilify and starve and bomb and kill people who just want to be happy, don’t want to suffer,

We don’t protest enough. 
#NeverForget that we continue to create tragedies around the world to distract us from the pain of our own tragedy. 

#NeverForget that we still use the fear we have cultivated to scare ourselves into thinking war is a necessary part of life. 

#NeverForget that we have put into place the conditions required to make others hate us. 

#NeverForget that we are just as bad and often worse than our “enemies.” 

#NeverForget that we could stop it if we really wanted.

at my best:

i am peaceful, wide-eyed, finding myself in the right place at the right time, playing outdoors, encouraging and excited about others’ achievements, dancing and writing and free to create

at my worst:

i am insecure, constantly seeking reassurance, comparing myself to everyone and always ending up at the bottom, bored and stagnant, stuck in other people’s rules and expectations, paralyzed by fear

I might throw it all out there and walk away, heels clicking on the shitty fake-wood floor.

There are too many broken copiers and not enough forests in the vicinity of my day-to-day, 

stuck seated and somehow still sweaty and wishing my bank account didn’t tie me to office furniture.

The bunny that hopped toward me in the parking lot today, shiny black eye making contact with my shiny blue one – what did he want anyway, other than to tell me to get the fuck out of here?

When all is said and done, when I leave late and hop on the train and then get home and check my email for the 113th time today, I’ve missed watching my mint plant growing taller in the summer sun.