I have loved and loved and loved with no fear of loss.
All I want is to ramble to Kilgore Falls
alongside the Falling Branch of Deer Creek
and to stand in its icy plunge pool
and to feel the weight of the water on my head
even after I emerge and find my towel on the sunny bank
and to marvel
All I want is to hike down the Union Dam Trail
alongside the Patapsco River
and to stumble over its roots and rocky terrain
and to search for ripe wineberries to eat
while I sweat through my shirt and listen to the wrens overhead
and to marvel
All I want is to lie on Buzzard Rock
alongside its swimming hole
and to spread sunscreen on my legs
and to look through the clear water of Passage Creek
to the stony bottom and watch the trout flit past
and to marvel
All I want is to stroll with wide eyes through the woods
alongside Little Gunpowder Falls
and to discover tiny mushrooms and tiny tendrils
and tiny footprints of a raccoon
that take me to the end of the trail
and to marvel
All I want is to sit on moss-covered rocks
alongside Mountain Run in the Shenandoah Mountains
and to smell the damp soil and to turn my face to the forest canopy
and to feel goosebumps climb my arms
when I lower my feet into the freezing pool
and to marvel
May 12: Ups and downs are common. Energized by my students, torn down by bad timing, calmed by quiet time in the kitchen, shocked by unexpected tears when I read an old poem.
May 13: At rehearsal, I feel fat, but at least I remember the choreography.
May 14: I find actors so attractive, but I am unbelievably shy in their presence.
May 15: I cried in front of students and coworkers today when we held a “Remembering Nicho” celebration for a 17-year-old student who died last summer. This has been one of the hardest parts of my job.
May 16: Fuck. Late for everything.
May 17: Honestly, one of the best birthdays ever. I am so full of thanks.
May 18: Am I always going to be unhappy in DC? Would I be content in New York? Will the highs ever last as long as the lows?
May 19: Yeast infection.
May 20: Still haven’t gotten a text from him. Ugh.
May 21: My boss forwarded one of my emails to my coworkers before responding to me. What the fuck is his problem?
May 22: Something feels wrong in my body. More than tired. Don’t know why.
May 23: A year ago I was in the Dominican Republic for a friend’s wedding. Today I lost my job.
May 24: Almost all day in bed. Cried. Ate too much sugar. Found out I got accepted into a conference in Tokyo. Guess I won’t be going.
May 25: Couldn’t sleep anymore. Started applying for jobs. Anxiety either shuts me down or drives me to overwork. Today might be both.
May 26: More job applications and stress.
May 27: Closed my office door at work today because everyone knows I’m fired, and they haven’t said a word to me.
May 28: It exhausts me to keep going back.
May 29: Dance is all that makes me happy. Thank god for the great artists I’m working with right now.
May 30: Didn’t go to work because what’s the point?
May 31: I’ve been daydreaming about meeting and falling in love with a celebrity so I won’t have to find a new job.
June 1: Started a 30 day June ab challenge today. Embarrassed that 15 sit-ups was difficult.
June 2: My new Diva Cup got stuck in my vagina. It was a bit taxing.
June 3: Conclusion – June sucks balls already.
June 4: I might eat potatoes all the time now that I know my new stand mixer can mash them perfectly.
June 5: Found I might be getting sued. Then I got paid $500 for my show. Wins and losses all the time.
June 6: How does it feel to me be on a day like today? Miserable.
June 7: I’m going through the motions, but no one is convinced.
June 8: I had a dream that is one of my most stressful fears – that I will get lost and not be able to find my car after I’ve parked somewhere new. I guess this is my life now.
June 9: Last day in this stupid school. If I’m so happy about this, why am I also so sad?
June 10: Running errands in the middle of the day and not after work when I’m tired? I could get used to this.
June 11: Unemployment is: wearing pajamas all day, having time in the morning to make breakfast burritos, realizing no one misses you.
June 12: I slept too much again today and only applied for 2 jobs. The rest of the time, I felt sorry for myself.
Something about your breath on my back as you sleep
Something about bringing me water and a hug and the more comfortable pillow
Something about waking up to hold my hand
Something about the first kiss on the balcony as we discussed our latest creative projects
Something about how 5′ 5 3/4″ feels next to 6′ 4″
Something about being the big spoon for a morning
Something about your soft warm skin
Something about all of those hours first in the dark and then with the sunrise
Something about your mischievous smile as you lean over me
Something about your kindness and affection
Something about being surprised by how much I love
Something about not being able to sleep because I don’t want to miss anything
Something about you naked as a newborn while holding my face and kissing me goodbye and peeking out the door as I walk away
Something about moving across the country
Something about my sad, wretched heart
I have been staring at the Rockies for the past 5 days.
The sun shines brightly and the breezes blow lightly until the whistling winds and snowy nights arrive.
I have been counting the hawks (3) and the elk (~100) and the mountain bluebirds (a handful) and the antelope (25) and the prairie dogs (too many to count) and the lone porcupine waiting to cross the road.
The fire crackles each evening while the sun sets. Park County glows and then sneaks into the shadows.
I have been counting the cars. Four seems like too many.
Threemile Mountain issues a challenge. Sticky bushes tug on my jeans and pull at my hips. The empty cave may have housed a bear or a mountain lion. Hawk number 4 floats overhead at the peak.
I have been trying to count the mountains – the ones with snow caps and the ones without – but it’s easier to count liquor stores. Two in Hartsel, population 677 in 2000.
The snow finally melts into a rutted, muddy road that takes us to Salida’s distillery with a dog and to Fairplay’s bowling alley with Dorothy’s Tamales inside and to Guffey’s Bull Moose Restaurant, but that one is closed for vacation.
I have been trying to imagine the High Plains in summertime, and I have been trying not to forget the inky nights full of stars I failed to count.
The mountains rise and rise. It is amazing anyone ever made it past them.
Never Google a man
you’ve only gone on 1 date with
because it will just solidify
your pitiful dream that
he is the one
when you find that the beginning of his doctoral dissertation
begins with a quote from Raymond Carver:
It ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we’re talking about when we talk about love.
i am planning to fly to tel aviv to forget about a man
i am planning to watch a documentary about war to forget about a man
i am planning to practice yoga tonight to forget about a man
i am planning to take a long shower to forget about a man
i am planning to write until i can’t stop to forget about a man
i am planning to hide away in a cabin in colorado to forget about a man
i am planning to go to a hockey game to forget about a man
i am planning to sit at my desk and make this list until i forget about a man
i am planning to eat all the guacamole i just made to forget about a man
i am planning to fill up the free hours in my schedule to forget about a man
i am planning to plan 6 new online dates to forget about a man
i am planning to wear more mascara and blush to forget about a man
i am planning to text 3 people i don’t want to hear from to forget about a man
i am planning to watch the water boil while i forget about a man
i am planning to leave comments on blogs until i forget about a man
i am planning to rage about sexual injustices to forget about a man
i am planning to nap at 4 pm every day to forget about a man
i am planning to buy myself some frilly underwear to forget about a man